Every time I get my ‘fill’ of something, I think I’ll be good for awhile.
But then you get a couple of hours of sleep in me, a few more hours of work stress, a couple of meals - and I’m ready to put myself through whatever kinda hoops I need to jump through for another fix.
Grab a drink, hit of weed, tab of lsd, a taste of that sweet yoni.
How do I need to make this monkey dance in order to get more of what I really want?
What an insane thought. But there it is, and that’s how it’s always been.
I’ve spent entire days naked in bed with a beautiful woman doing things I wouldn’t dare put into writing, at least twice. Fucking each other silly until we’re left laying in a mess of a bed, with a warm mess of feelings and bodily fluids, spent and exhausted. Everyone cuddly.
Several hours later and I’ll be wondering how I’m going to make it through the day to day existence before I can get another bucket list item happening to me.
I’ve almost destroyed my life at times chasing this feeling.
I’ve spent too much time with women that are terrible for me. Wreak havoc on my entire life, my soul, the peace I work so hard to maintain… all because when they open their legs I lose my head.
Consuming beverage after beverage, and ripping joint after joint trying to ride the highs of life only.
No real conclusion to draw here I don’t think. These are the thoughts of a hedonist-addict, trapped on the hedonic wheel, trying to keep this thing entertained while I avoid the grave.
I’ve been fortunate to, at least momentarily in life, have almost everything I want and the only thing it’s ever made me want is more of it.
Obviously it’s not sustainable, and I think I’ve finally wrestled the steering wheel from this crazy fuck. I can’t deny it’s been a ton of fun at times. But good lord the cost.
In physical wear and tear, emotional ups and downs. I’ve sacrificed my own goals in the favor of giving my brain another bath in my favorite set of chemicals; dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, oxytocin. And from what I can tell the financial cost is incalculable.
There’s a quote somewhere out there “I’ve spent all of my money on women and whiskey. The rest I wasted.”
Well I haven’t wasted much by that measurement. I’ve managed to keep a little for myself. And I’m ridiculously fortunate to have a highly marketable skill that comes relatively easy to me.
But the amount spent chasing pleasure-only measures deep into the 6 figures.
I’m not nearly rich enough to support that type of habit in any ongoing sort of way.
Post divorce I went on full tilt financially. Made and lost a fortune in the stock market.
Then once I restored stability and sound decision making there, I turned around and went on tilt with women. They exact a different cost if one isn’t careful.
And now here I am washed up on the other shore of a bunch of those feelings. Again.
Just riding that wave baby. Pent up energy, release. Rinse. Repeat.
Just enough responsibility to support a lifetime of bad decisions. More stories to come, if I can get my hand off my own dick long enough to write them.